I hate “mommy” culture

I’m a person who has given birth to four children. I’m not “a mommy”. I am a mother, and my kids call me “mommy” sometimes. Anybody else who refers to me as “mommy” can choke on a brick.

Maybe I’m just easily fuzzled by labels, but attaching “mommy” to anything whether it be a product, service, or group pretty much guarantees that I’ll hate it. Lumping all women who have given birth or otherwise came to parent small creatures together is a really bad idea. There are so many women who fit this category. It’d be like lumping together  all women who wear a size 8 pant size. Actually, pant size would bring way more similarities like lifestyle, exercise patterns, etc. . The group would be……TAILORED for each other XDXD FINE! I KNOW I’M NOT FUNNY!

I do my best to escape hearing anything with “Mommy”; usually by locking myself in the bathroom, plugging my ears, and humming “Nothing Else Matters” to drown out the noise. Ask me if it works. No. No, it doesn’t. Do companies advertise to married women with products like “The Wife Helper! A brand new cyber-mop with a Hulu subscription. Also folds laundry!” Not saying that I wouldn’t buy that product for 4 easy payments of $59.99, but the product name is very 1950s. The point is that it’s somehow acceptable to advertise to mothers despite most mothers not having much in common aside from parenting a child.

When I first became a mom I thought that “mommy” culture was pretty dope. It was this new club that I totally qualified for: have a baby. No experience required! Just get pregnant! Easy! Walking groups. Baby stat comparisons. Bellies all over the place. Babies. Soon, I discovered that I didn’t really belong to like…any of the subgroups. And I discovered how much I utterly LOATHE the pregnancy/mom groups on Facebooks. I left Facebook about four years ago and don’t miss it at all. 

Here are the various mom “clubs” that I’ve joined on social media and in person AND why I left.

Note:  I am totally stereotyping and describing MY experience. Fight me.

The “young moms” (ages 17-23):

Description:  Most moms in this category aren’t married. Few are even with their kid’s dad or “baby daddy”. Most got pregnant by accident and had a period of “Oh sh*t! My life is over!!” before deciding to keep their kid. They work full-time or live with their parents. Most aren’t pursuing college, and many didn’t even finish high school.

Why I left: I just didn’t share the same problems, making it very hard to empathize. I got married before I got pregnant. I have a husband; not a “baby daddy”. I don’t worry about child support, balancing daycare with shift work, crappy exes, worrying about break ups, paying for my next tattoo, waiting on baby-daddy to propose, applying for low-income housing, and how to file my taxes for what person.

Here are some exciting real-world examples of stuff that I’d read!

“My fiance won’t help me out at all. I found like 700 naked pics of his ex on his phone. IDK what to do!!! We’re behind on our car payments because he won’t quit buying heroine. I’m really hurt that he keeps doing this to me, but he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. What do I do?!!”

…..You mean to tell me…..that you let this deadbeat put his penis in you, created a human being with him, and after all of this garbage, are still considering marrying him?! LEAVE HIS A**! Does nobody else see how backwards this is?!

 “What overpriced photography package should I choose for sending nudes to the army dude who I’m FB messaging?”

You mean that you’re PAYING to send scantily-clad photos to a guy who you’re just messaging???!!! And you’re hoping that it makes him like you more!? I mean, COME ON!!! Try to have an inkling of self-respect. At least wait until after a date first. Or better yet, wait till he’d actually have to face a divorce for distributing your nudies to all of his base-camp buddies. (No, this story is not an exaggeration). Is there any more clear way of announcing “I AM SKANKY!!”?

“Does anybody know an attorney who doesn’t cost more than $400 that I can use to file bankruptcy???”

DEAR HEAVENS, WOMAN. YOU’RE 22!!!! What do you mean you’re filing bankruptcy already? Where is all of your money going?

“My boyfriend has a felony so he cant get a job so he’s playing video games all day. I’m making 10$ at both Wendy’s and McDonald’s and can’t afford daycare but he won’t watch the baby while I’m at work. What do I do??”

GO TO SCHOOL! GET GRANTS!! LEAVE THE MAN!!! DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE!!

Not all young moms fit this description, but don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!! Look, I’m not into damning people for dumb choices that they made as a teen or young adult. I’ve lived in people’s basements while Damon was working at Wendy’s. I’ve had to borrow from family. We’ve had to struggle. But there’s a difference between a temporary situation/setback and a lifestyle. Choose to do better!!

The “natural” moms: 

“We don’t vaccinate.”, “I rub essential oils on my kids instead of taking them to the doctor.” “We don’t buy into ‘big pharma'”, “My kids only have gluten-free granola baked by the sun that’s been blessed by my yoga instructor.””Every ounce of food in my refrigerator has the disclaimer ‘GMO-free”..

Ya’ll know this stereotype. Not that I’m hating on people who want their families to be healthy. But there’s a difference between “I would like for my family to be healthy.” and “THIS EARTH-BORNE GLUTEN-FREE GMO-HATING PHILOSOPHY IS MY GOSPEL!!”

Really? You’re boring enough that your products of choice define you as a person? Could you get any more consumerist than that?

I’ve had all four of my babies out of the hospital because I didn’t want to have them in the hospital. And seeing my sister have her baby out of hospital and hearing stories from hospital-birthing friends doesn’t do ANYTHING to convince me otherwise. Your cat can do it by herself on the living room rug. Okay, bad example. I really don’t give a crap how other people decide to have their babies.

My kids get their shots because I’m not uneducated and misinformed about how science works. If I have a headache, I’ll drink some water and lay down for a nap. I’m a firm believer that most medical issues in this country could be solved if people would lift weights and quit eating so much sugar. But if my child or I develop a serious medical condition or have an emergency, you can bet that “big pharma” and Western medicine will be my best friends.

The “established” moms. Typically ages 26-36

Shops at Target with her 2-4 kids. Typically has a grey and white striped carseat cover and a $400 stroller. Her baby had a professional photo-shoot done. Her husband has a job with a 401k. Their house is less than 10 years old. She goes to brunch with other moms who have children the same age. They discuss which kindergarten teacher is better. She wears new yoga pants and participates in a walking group. Has all sorts of gadgets in her baby nursery.

 I’ve got a lot of friends who fit this category actually. But it was particularly awkward when they would be discussing their plans to remodel their granite countertops and master bathrooms, and I’d be sitting there plowing through the spinach pasta salad like, “I Googled how to become a stripper this weekend….’cause I gotta buy textbooks.”

My kids are too close together for me to deal with the trappings of “mommies”. Hauling four people around has made me minimalist to a fault, such as forgetting wipes but remembering to bring a book.  “You can explode on me all you want, baby. Just do it quietly so I can finish this chapter”.

They’re too close together for me to care about the details anymore. How old are they? Uhhhhh…….5,3,2, and 5 months. I have no idea how much they weigh; I’m not raising them for slaughter. What diapers do I use? The cheapest ones. Is my house baby-proofed? Nobody can escape, if that’s what you mean. Encouraging their personalities and somehow turning them into responsible adults is pretty much all that I care about. And baby breath.

Did I mention the dance moms in this group? The constant need to make everything a competition is BORINGGGG. Your baby is heavier, more developed, smarter, hitting milestones faster, and healthier than mine. Your husband earns more, and you are superior to me. Do I actually believe that? Huh? What was the question?

Maybe I’ll cook Pinterest recipes in a fancy kitchen that I’m still paying off. Someday. Is that on my wish list? Sure; right up there with “buy a poodle” and “other things that I don’t care about”.

Also, stroller groups have the dullest conversation. I’d no doubt make it awkward for everyone by saying something like:

“Ya’ll seem to have an awful lot of resentment toward your husbands. Have you tried talking to him about it instead of venting to your like-minded suburbia gal pals?”

“I don’t care where your kid goes to school. How did you deal with postpartum depression?”

“Do your nipples do THIS?” *stretches nipples two inches*

“What books do you read?”

“Most of the citizens of Chad doesn’t have running water. Do you think there’s an economic way to get them that infrastructure?”

What do you do when you don’t fit in? One day, my kids will be old enough that people will quit assuming that I’m a “mommy”.

Most of my friends don’t have much in common with me. Heck, only a few of them even have kids. Talking about kids gets soooo boring unless it’s a story about how destructive, annoying, or hilarious they are.

I’m got tired of trying to fit the “mommy” mold, so I quit awhile ago. I’m tired of pretending to care about stuff that I can’t even remember. I’m tired of trying to find friends among the stereotypes mentioned above.

Quit advertising to me as “mommy” and charging a premium for it! Just because two women have kids the same age doesn’t automatically make them friends! It usually just means “Hey, girl. We had sex at around the same time. How about that?…..Wait! Come back!”