This post was kinda terrifying to publish. A few sections will probably invite a lot of judgment and criticism against me and my family (politically, morally, etc). I had to decide that I care more about showing people how it is possible to raise six kids in today’s world than I do about what people think. Especially those who don’t care about the same things that I do.
Crazy, I know. This post is a long one; ten years in the making and pretty darned personal.
- “You must really like kids”
This is awkward. Almost no one knows this about me; when Damon and I were dating, I mentioned maybe not even wanting kids. The way that I’d seen middle-class mothers for my whole life didn’t hold an ounce of appeal.
And I actually don’t like kids, although I was plenty used to them from having six younger siblings. I don’t mind mine much because they’re mine, and I have the biological pull to take care of them because they are literally my responsibility. But I don’t think that most babies, or kids, are very cute. They produce strange sounds, smells, and look the way they do. When I visit my kids’ elementary school or see other people’s toddlers in the store, I thank the lord almighty that they are not my problem because…blech.
People have said “If you don’t like babies, why do you keep having them?”
There’s a really obvious flaw in this line of thinking. If you like puppies, you don’t keep adopting puppies. Why? Any responsible pet owner can tell you why that’s a terrible idea; they turn into dogs. If you like puppies, you go to the shelter and play with them, or make friends with people who have puppies. Otherwise you end up with a house full of ill-trained dogs and a yard full of crap.
I don’t have babies because I like babies. Sure, the first three months are pretty great. They have a baby smell and can have 95% of their problems solved by nursing. As my dad once said, they’re “cute digestive systems”. After month three, they start to get bored and need to be carried around to see the world (not in a car seat). They start wanting regular food which means regular diapers (blechhh). Until they start walking and playing with siblings, Damon and I function as cruise directors. Damon probably averages about 600 calf-raises a day bouncing them around while he reads on his phone. Zenn is pretty good about crawling off to join the other five while they play. Even with her turning one year old in a few days, I can pretty well plan on being pinned with a nursing baby for about 2-3 hours during the day, so I keep a book or three nearby.
Side note to ignore if you don’t care:
If you’ve ever been to my house, I have five bookshelves in my living room instead of a TV. I probably clear a good 30-50 pages a day. In a year, this amounts to roughly 55 300-page books. Ooh-rah.
I didn’t have babies for “the experience” or the fulfillment. The bumps, baby showers, and photo ops didn’t even occur to me. I had babies because they turn into people, and I wanted for my people to be here.
- It must be sooo expensive (this section is long, and I make two confessions)
Confession #1: We’ve been on Medicaid since Haven was born over nine years ago. Why? Because I can’t afford $500-1200 a month in health insurance premiums. Do I feel bad about using Medicaid? Honestly, no.
And not just because I haven’t billed Medicaid for a single pregnancy or birth because they don’t cover out-of-hospital births. Braces were paid out-of-pocket too.
We have used it nearly exclusively for well-child visits. I didn’t break the healthcare system, and I’m not sacrificing my life goals or ambitions on the moral principle of not burdening tax-payers. I did not vote the system into place, and I refuse to be the victim of the decisions of previous generations.
Oh, here’s the other brave confession: We use SNAP (aka…”food stamps”). We didn’t start using them until 2019 when we’d already had four kids. Up until then, we’d donate plasma to pay for gas and groceries. I was raised in a conservative household with conservative extended family, and “food stamps” were for poor, “low-functioning people” who lived off of the government. I didn’t want to be “on welfare” because of the stigma attached to it.
My pride melted away when I saw that we could afford to feed the family without me or Damon sitting with a giant needle in our arm for four to six hours a week. We buy high-quality food to set our kids up for success later in life. Why? Because we can. I’m not going to beat myself up for using something that we qualify for just so that other people won’t “look down on me”. I’ll also note that my parents attitude towards public assistance has shifted tremendously in the last decade. They’d love for their tax dollars to at least go towards helping their kids in some way since they pay so much (Poor Gen Xers).
Damon started working full-time (again) shortly before I graduated from college. We used SNAP for a little less than a year after that before we “made too much” when Damon got a promotion. I stayed home with the kids until March 2021. The company that Damon was working for was shutting down, and I couldn’t stand being a stay-at-home mom anymore. So, we switched. I made $10k less than he did, but we moved into my parents basement which made rent more affordable. Yes, we have always paid rent wherever we have lived.
There’s a question that people love to ask, so I’ll answer it here: “Why would you have kids if you can’t afford to take care of them?”
Honestly, this strikes me as a loaded and dumb question. Does taking care of kids mean that you’re the one watching them all day? In which case, are parents who use daycare shirking their responsibilities? I’d hope that everyone would answer “no” to that question, by the way.
Or does the question mean one of these:
“You had better be paying for your full health insurance premium so that your employer doesn’t have to suffer the cost of you having a family or any health expenses. They built that company after all, and it’s selfish of you to take away from their cut.”
“You had better never be taking any kind of parental leave in which you are not fully contributing to your employer and forcing them to pay out for you or your spouse having a baby. That is selfish to your employer and your colleagues.”
“You had better not be taking your kids out to eat or feeding them any kind of subpar food that will have health ramifications on taxpayers in about thirty to fifty years.”
“Your kids shouldn’t be going to public schools or riding the bus; those are a burden on taxpayers. You’d better be educating them yourself at home at your own expense.”
“Your kids had better not be taking out student loans to fund their education. You should be paying for that yourself in addition to saving for retirement because I’m not interested in paying for your retirement.”
And no, I haven’t heard anyone actually utter any of the above phrases because (hopefully) everyone can see why they’re ridiculous and tentatively exploitative at both an individual and societal level.
The question is actually “If you can’t fully front and shoulder the entire cost of every expense and piece of time to do with your children from now until they graduate from college, which you’d better be paying for too, why would you bring them into this awful world?”
Look, some people want to travel the world. Some people buy Porsches. Some people really enjoy hunting. I wanted for my people to be here. Sue me.
It’d also seem a little silly to say “This 2000 square foot heated five-bedroom house with a yard in a safe community simply isn’t good enough for my precious offspring” when there are millions of families making do on so, so much less than what we do.
I have no qualms about people helping me frugally raise children so that my children can fund their retirement (in addition to what those retirees “should” already be saving). Yes, use of air-quotes is intentional because if you don’t want kids, don’t have them. Life is usually not magically easier or more affordable for childless people than it is for those with children. Your priorities just change.
I graduated from college. I work full-time. We’re out of my parents basement, and my job covers the bills and nothing more. Damon started his own repair and installation business so that we could have access to luxuries like a new car battery (to replace the four-year-old one), a Christmas tree, and new contact lenses.
We shop at Saver’s and DI for the kids’ clothes and have gotten hand-me-downs from family over the years as our cousins have grown up. Our moms will take the kids on a birthday date and sometimes get them a new outfit. I couldn’t tell you the last time that Damon or I bought ourselves new clothes. No, wait. I bought a $4 pair of leggings at DI over the summer. I definitely put “wool socks” on my Christmas list.
Our kids really don’t want for much. No, we haven’t enrolled them in activities in a few years because money has been tight. Damon’s mom gifted us enough for Haven to play in the orchestra (under $150 for the entire year), and Haven loves it. Instead, the kids play outside and with each other for most of the day.
Oh, and if you want to know the total that we’d be paying out of pocket for health insurance premiums and food on top of our rent and bills: $72,000 per year pre-tax. The total that we’d need to make post tax would be $82,800 for a family of eight. We just don’t make quite that much…yet.
Don’t worry, guys. Our family of eight will stop living large and robbing you of your tax dollars within the next year or two.
- You must be sooo tired
Honestly, most childless people who I know are way more tired than I am. Seriously. Hangovers, caffeine, gaming, lack of exercise or staying out until 3 am are the usual culprits.
If I don’t take care of myself, I can’t take care of my family. Ironically, being selfless in a sustainable capacity requires a certain level of selfishness.
My requirements throughout the week are:
- Go to sleep by 11.
- Weight train twice a week at the gym
- Make sure that I’m eating consistently
You know what happens if I’m sleep deprived? Absolutely no one wants to be around me, and I’m a monster to live with. If I am not asleep by 11 pm, I know that seven other people in the house will also have a bad day. So, I don’t stay up late. Having insomnia that wakes me up at 5 am against my wishes puts a damper on this, so I force myself to take a nap mid-day with the baby.
“But what about the babies? Don’t they keep you up all night?”
No. I’ve had six kids and have never had this issue. I put them on my boob, and we both fall asleep. I’m literally typing this all out with both hands and a baby asleep at the boob as we speak. People can talk about why it wouldn’t work for them, etc. That’s fine. It has worked for me six times.
Damon doesn’t “get up” with the baby at night. What would he be good for with them? He gets up with the toddler because she has the appetite of a nineteen-year-old bodybuilder and wants midnight snacks. Yeah, every so often someone will get sick or pee the bed. That’s maybe once every other month or so. You know how often my single/childless friends complain because they’re hungover or ate out a weird taco joint? Like…weekly.
So no. Don’t apologize or backtrack with “Oh, I don’t feel like my struggle would compare with six kids”. Just take care of yourself as an act of self-love, ya know? Oh, and I really don’t mind hearing the stories of your crazy outings and adventures. Keep ‘em coming. They’re entertaining.
- You must be sooo busy
In short bursts, yes. All day long? Not unless I want to be (I don’t). Over the last decade, I have learned the limits of my physical and emotional bandwidth.
In the morning, Damon and I are up with the three school-age kids by 6:30. They get themselves ready and eat breakfast. Our second oldest sometimes cannot find pants and has a mini meltdown until we point out the first spot where he should have looked.
We read a story together, and off to school they go. The younger three trickle in over the course of the next hour while Damon and I chat. I usually start work at around 8 am.
Covid helped equalize the playing field for women by normalizing remote work. I’m able to do my job from my home office, so I don’t have to make the trade-off between nursing my babies or being around while my kids are small while working full-time. I’m always grateful that I was born when I was and can raise kids in this time of history.
On days when Damon will be gone doing a job, I take it one hour at a time. Funny enough, I get a lot more cleaning done. Before work, I get all of the dishes done (by hand because we don’t have a dishwasher), sweep, pick up books and the upstairs, throw a load of laundry in, and prep for lunch. It takes about an hour. This is for mental health reasons. Feeling like I accomplished something and not having to live in a messy hour for a few hours feels good.
Throughout the work day, I’ll take a few breaks to get the kids settled. But the two and four-year-old are really good about just playing together. There are challenges. There’s nothing quite like them leaving out an entire cup of chocolate hummus for the baby to get into five minutes before an on-camera meeting.
After school, the kids will get themselves food from the snack drawer of the fridge (celery, carrots, radishes, or whatever). The kids usually stay home after school on “job” days and play in the backyard or with Legos downstairs. I finish working at around 4-4:30. Homework and chores will get done. I’ll usually read until Damon gets home.
Another side-note to ignore:
We don’t have iPads, tablets, or even a TV. Friday nights are movie nights where we let the kids watch movies and shows on my laptop from about 6-10 pm. Outside of that, the kids don’t have screen time outside of doing homework.
- “Your older kids must be raising their siblings”
As the eldest of seven, I can credibly say that people constantly confuse “raising children” with “doing tasks to help around the household”. I never felt like I was “raising my siblings” (maybe raising my parents, as eldest children often do). And as a bonus for having more responsibility, transitioning to adult/parenthood was way easier for me than it was for a lot of my peers.
Last year, I stayed home from church with Ty (2nd oldest) because we both had colds. I was due to have my sixth baby in a week and wanted to rest. He didn’t feel like waiting for me to make lunch, so he came in every few minutes to ask questions to ensure that he was cooking the kale correctly. He pulled a stool up to the kitchen counter, added a cube of butter and kale to the pan, and cooked it till it was done (he narrated his activities). He proudly showed his results after; I was impressed. He’d only ever watched me do it.
The older two like picking out and preparing dinner. Our oldest boils the noodles for pasta while her brother prepares the sauce (he makes a mean cilantro lime dressing). If it’s a new dish, I print off a recipe, and they’ll follow the instructions. Usually, the third and fourth kids will fight for who gets to help because they want to participate in what their older siblings are doing. I’m a bit obsessive about hygiene in the kitchen and ask the kids before every dinner “What do we do before touching food?” In unison, they respond “Wash your hands”.
Darn right. And they do.
The oldest will read to her younger siblings while they snuggle up to her on the couch. I don’t ask her most of the time; she just likes doing it. As much as she tells me that she doesn’t want kids one day (which I’ve told her is fine), she’d make a really good mom. Sometimes if Damon or I need to do something urgent like pee or switch out laundry, she or one of the other two older kids will hold the baby. They’re good about pouring cereal for their siblings if they’re already pouring their own and generally looking out for each other.
They’re free to go play and do whatever after they finish their chores. I don’t make them do their siblings’ chores for them, however much it may get on my nerves. There are few things that I hate more than yelling at my kids to pick up toys, so we don’t own a ton of them (mostly Legos). If it takes longer than half an hour to totally clean up a room, it’s a sign that we need to get rid of some stuff.
Damon and I change all of the diapers…unless the two-year-old decides to streak, and we quickly tell one of the older two if they could throw hers back on.
Our kids are pretty self-sufficient, but they sure aren’t “raising their siblings”.
- How can you give your kids enough one-on-one time when there are so many of them?
I could be wrong here, but Disney Channel and Hallmark movies seem to portray family dynamics as dysfunctional if the parents aren’t dedicating at least two hours a day of “quality time” to each child. Again, having grown up in a family of seven kids showed me that this just isn’t the case.
You don’t need hours of time for each kid; you can capture a lot of goodness in just a few minutes. Here are a few of examples for each kid:
My oldest will come to my bed when I’m reading and chat with me about her day, friends, boys, whatever it is. I put my book down and listen, validate, whatever she’s needing. Weirdly enough, big kids like reminders that you’ve still got them. Reminders to do her dyslexia homework or shower make her feel more taken care of because her parents will still make sure that she’s on-track. I let things slide like her intentionally loading the left side of the sink (instead of the right like I asked her to) because I don’t need to hold all of the control.
When my oldest son starts to poke and cause trouble with his siblings, I know that he probably needs to be squeezed, wrestled, and joked with. Some days, I have to reinforce (again) that he can’t be smacking his friend’s butts or make farting noises during class. When he asks why the girls have an easier time with school I let him know that it’s set up a lot more for them than boys but that there isn’t much else available and to try the best that he can.
My third is easy-going, so I make an extra effort to ask her questions and not let her big brother interrupt when she’s telling me about her day or interests. I often have to mitigate my constant reminders to pick up her jacket, shoes, backpack (and literally all of its contents) off the floor with something good like a hug.
My fourth likes to show off his Lego creations and be read to. Sometimes I’ll pause working for five minutes and read him a book or two. He’s usually off in his own world.
My fifth wants snacks and fights. Half the trouble with her is keeping her from bullying her older siblings when all that she wants is attention and to be chased around. Also, consistently reinforcing her saying “please” and “thank you” to get what she wants instead of making the demand.
Finally, the baby is latched onto me for hours of the day. But I scoop her up and talk to her like a person while I’m going about my tasks. It really does go by so fast…
Phew. You made it.
Feel free to throw whatever you want at me; questions, opinions, tomatoes…
That’s how we’re making this work.
None Given. None Taken. 
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