Imma go a little contradictory to some of my past posts: I am a wealthy, wealthy woman.
Everyone has seen the cover of, or at least heard of The National Geographic. Somehow, flipping through it, I’ve always though “Huh. Would you look at that. How terrible would it be to live in a dirt-floored hut?”
I’ve been known to gripe about how “poor” I am as a student. I’ve cried over not “having enough” to my mom. I whine that my grocery money comes from Damon donating plasma. We live off of student loans and a boatload of prayers. Family has to lend their help often. My net worth is well into the negative when you factor in what I’ll be paying back when I finish school.
Here’s the real deal: I’m a spoiled, privileged brat. IMy situation is luxuriant AF. Reflecting on this has caused me loads of intrinsic embarrassment.
Allow me to walk you through my cushy life…
I am seated on my plushy-A mattress and down comforter in a well-lit, air-conditioned room. I’m typing post this from a several hundred dollar laptop, using this miraculous thing called THE INTERNET. I’m blowing my privileged snoot into soft double-ply toilet paper while moistening my face with $9 lotion that I didn’t have to make myself. This song on YouTube is wonderful! It’s a cello/piano cover of “Shape of You”. The cello holds a special place in my heart because I played for seven friggin years.
Best tell the three-year-old to tell husband to check Google Hangouts. Heaven forbid I should I have to walk across my house to ask him what time we’re leaving for places today!
Oh, what’s this? I need to pee! Lemme shuffle on over to my tiled, well-lit bathroom which has a flushable toilet; whisking away my urine and poop so that I never have to see or smell it again. I wash my mits in the sink, which has a magical faucet; it springs forth clean, drinkable water of whatever temperature I want…just to clean my hands! Time to brush my teeth because I had breakfast this morning. Let’s spit into this pristine water using a minty-white substance that magically takes away the germs from my already mostly-white teeth.
Maybe I should wash my hair. After all, it’s been a whole sixteen hours. Can’t have that! Whoa! This shower thing can give me twenty-five minutes worth of HOT water on full-blast! Gotta shave the barely-there stubble from my legs using vegetable oil and a metal-handled razor blade.
All done! Time to dry myself off with a fluffy, clean towel that wraps around my whole body. Let me go put my worn-once clothes in the washing machine that can wash 20 items of clothing at once at high-speed using MORE hot water, cleans everything out, and SINGS ME A FREAKIN’ SONG WHEN IT’S DONE!
Quick! They might start to smell funny if you don’t transfer them to the dryer which can dry 20-30 articles of clothing simultaneously while blowing a heavenly smell out the vent, presenting me with warm, soft, delicious-smelling clean clothes.
What am I going to do with all of these clothes now? It might take me awhile to hang them all up in my closet beside all of my other clothes. Gah! What clothes do I want to wear on my body today? There are so many choices and combinations. It might dip below 50 degrees today, so a plushy sweater might be a good choice. What if it snows?? Good thing I’ve got my Ugg boots and insulated jacket to wear!
My stomach is feeling a little on the needy side. I’ll go open my temperature-controlled, machine that keeps ALL of my food cold for as long as it’s plugged into the wizardry outlet behind it. What to have for breakfast? My kids had their oatmeal with milk already. Or did they have Cheerios? Not sure, let’s check the FRIGGIN SINK SINCE THEY NEVER FINISH THEIR BOWLS!
Where was I? Ah, yes! FOOD! Milk, sour cream, half-n-half, fresh apples, limes, fresh vegetables, frozen berries, frozen peaches, butter, dressings, lettuce, dried beans, canned beans, lentils, CHEESEDANGIT!!
Can we just take a moment to appreciate how ABSOLUTELY RAD it is that I can buy STRAWBERRIES IN NOVEMBER?!
Thanksgiving leftovers! Thank you, Mom! Let’s have some mashed potatoes with fried beans and butter. Maybe Damon will want the sweet potatoes for lunch. I have to salt my food, but where did I put my pink Himalayan sea salt? Oh, whatever will I do without it?!? Is it sitting with the 10+ other varieties of spices above my stove which cooks food to optimal temperatures simply by me turning a knob? Nope, not there! Could it be hiding behind my brown sugar, coconut flour, and ginormous container of coconut oil? No dice! Darnit..Wait, here it is! Silly, salt! What were you doing behind my fish oil capsules, vitamins, and fluoride tablets for my kids?
Dear me, these potatoes are cold. Let’s put them in the microwave which can heat an entire bowl of food in under one minute. I’ll complain if it’s cold in the center! Making me wait two minutes? So much work!
I’ll sit at my table in my also-tiled kitchen and READ A DANG BOOK BECAUSE I CAN READ!! Hoho! I didn’t buy this book. I checked it out for free in the air-conditioned, enormous library right next to the dang coffee cafe that has free Wifi for all of their students! And hundreds of computers. And printers that allow you to print as many friggin pages as your little heart desires for a small fee of 5 cents per page. 5 CENTS A PAGE? THE AUDACITY!
This book is good, but WHAT IS THAT SMELL? The nineteen-month-old has soiled his disposable diaper. Ugh! That’s the second time today! Oh, well. Thankfully, I have a few hundred more in the bedroom that has over 200+ toys for them. I’ll have the three-year-old look for the disposable wipes. Nope! She’s distracted by her 100+ outfits gifted to her by adoring grandmothers who are all still living. Finally found the wipes! Right beside the ten other packages.
Lay baby down on polished, hardwood floor to change him. This one is especially bad, but probably not bad to warrant a hot, soapy bathtub filled with waterproof toys. Best get him dressed, since we plan on going to my parents today. Even more choices for clothes! Do I put him in pants or jeans or sweats? Do I put him in a sweater, T-shirt, or a sleeper? Well, I’m too lazy to find a match for his 5+ pairs of shoes, so I’ll put him in footie pajamas.
Where is the husband? Ah, yes! He’s in his office doing his chemistry homework on a computer that cost several thousand dollars. I complain that the Wifi is “slow”. It’s taking longer than two seconds to load a single page? UGH! The struggle is real! On Monday, we’ll have to attend classes at our enormous air-conditioned university building being taught by people who also attended universities and sit with other people like us in well-lit, carpeted classrooms.
Let’s figure out what time we’re leaving for Mimi and Grandpa’s house. I can’t find my phone! Maybe it’s jammed between the cushions of my white, faux-leather couch? Nope! what about the gigantic brown armchair? Again, no dice! Here it is; on top of the bookshelf filled with colorful Dr. Seuss books gifted by my mom for my children. Now I can call my family.
Family scripture and prayer time. I’ll read from my embossed faux-leather scriptures to my family in our comfortable, well-lit living room. I like this spot on the couch best; it gives me a nicer view of my huge, green backyard. We read for several minutes on the couch and fold our arms for the prayer. We say thank you for our blessings and ask for blessings upon all of our 12 siblings who are still living, as well as ours parents, and friends. We pray that our little girl might arrive when she’s supposed to. And even if she’s earlier than expected, we live within twenty minutes of a high-quality hospital with the latest NICU technology. We’re not worried about me dying in childbirth. Amen!
Time to leave! Where on Earth did we put our electronic key that can unlock the car from sixty feet away? Sitting next to our wallets which holds our plastic money dispensers. Damon helps me load the clean, adorably-dressed children into their car seats which cost $300+ each (thank you, Mom!!!) Darn! I have less legroom in my air-conditioned, leather-seated Mercedes Benz. Only half a tank of premium gas?! We’ll have to fill up soon. It’s a little nippy out. Let me press this button that heats my back and butt with three different degrees of toastiness.
Let’s check the mail before we head out. Bills…oh great! Coupons for even more deals less than a ten-minute drive from our house. What do you mean I owe $1 for my flu shot? Shouldn’t I be able to get life-saving vaccinations for free at my local pharmacy that has every kind of medicine that I can think of living their shelves? What greedy people! At least my kids got their flu shots for free at their last well-child visit with a qualified pediatrician. But ugh! I had to sit for half an hour in the quiet waiting room to be seen! Don’t these people know that I have other things I’d rather be doing?
Oh yes, the car ride.
Thankfully, I brought snacks for my children. Heaven knows they might starve to death on this thirty-five minute long car ride to their grandparents’ 6000 square foot home in a gated community. Stupid people driving stupid! This trip is going to take FORTY-FIVE minutes instead?! BAH!! How could I be subjected to this well-built freeway filled with tens of thousands of other well-maintained vehicles reasonably abiding by traffic laws? Ugh.
I probably left out a ton of things, but do you get my point? I’m living the life that the kings of Persia would envy. I’m living better than 99.9% of people who have ever walked this Earth. And if you’re able to read this blog post, you probably are too.