It’s been eight years since I first made my Facebook account. I was in the eighth grade. I added a bunch of peeps who lived in Dallas. I added people who lived in my neighborhood. I didn’t have a smartphone back then. I had a razor with a screen that quit working after I sat on it for too long. Why did people keep their phones in their back pockets??
Anyways, it’s been eight years. And I’ve decided that I’m done with it. But why?
- TOO MANY “FUNNY” SHARED PICS/VIDEOS- Like, I get it….There’s hilarious stuff all over the internet. That does not mean that I want to see your ENTIRE personal collection of hilarity. I would go onto YouTube if I wanted to see 80000 videos of dogs jumping onto a trampoline or into a pool. I don’t care if someone shares a funny status about THEMSELVES or something that THEY SAW PERSONALLY. But sharing and resharing the same friggin thing ALLL the time just isn’t funny anymore. It’s usually like a handful of “friends” who seem to wake up EVERY morning and decide “SHARE ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE FUNNY PICTURES OF SEMI-RELATABLE CRAP OF HOW MUCH IT SUCKS TO BE A SERVER OR HAVING TO WORK ON THE WEEKENDS!!!” Omg…just stop. Please stop. It’s not original. It’s not really that funny. You’re littering my wall with crap that I’ve already seen 10x that day. Which leads me to number doso…
- SO MUCH WHINING- You’re done with today. You hate your job. You hate waking up early. Nobody likes waking up early. People who say that they looooove waking up early are filled with lies! You hate when people lie. You hate when people are rude. You hate when people won’t tell it to you straight.Fine…lemme give it to you straight: NOBODY CARES!!!! This is the 80 millionth status that you’ve posted about how angry and bitter you are towards everyone and the day and and your job and life and JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!! The OCCASIONAL “Hey. Today kinda sucked because______” Totally fine. Every. Other. Status. about how much you hate the world is just ANNOYING!! You wonder why your life sucks? Probably because you don’t have friends. Because you probably just whine whine whine whine WHINE WHINE WHIIIIINE in person too! Instead of posting passive aggressive statuses like “When people turn around and stab you in the back….” for the tenth time that month, followed by like the SAME three people who are all “What’s wrong?” “CALL ME!!” And everyone else is just like “Unfollow”. Seriously. Grow up and talk to people. Nobody wants to hear about your sucky life all of the time. You haven’t changed since high school. Nobody is surprised.
- I GET IT. YOU LOVE YOUR FRIGGIN LIFE! Bit of a turn here…but ohmygoodness. Like half of my friends don’t ever post anything real about their lives. They just post stuff like “I’m so grateful for everything and everyone and by the way, my mom is still the most fabulous creation that ever gave birth.” They bend me over a table and blow sunshine up my butt like a balloon animal!!! I log off and fart sparkles and inspirational quotes for the rest of the day. There is a LAVENDER-COLORED UNICORN that is still stuck up there! I DO NOT APPRECIATE THIS, PEOPLE! It is acceptable to just post the realities of your life on Facebook. I’m not saying be like Ms. Won’t Shut the F*ck Up About Work. I’m just saying that it is OKAY to not be 100% joyous and magical and loving life and posting happy Biblical quotes 100% of the time that you post! You’re stoked that your best friend is home. Cool. Awesome. You’re stoked that you’re awake and alive for yet another day of living your amazing existence that you will tell EVERYONE about! AGAIN! I GET IT! YOU LOVE LIFE! YOU LOVE JESUS! Do you not EVER look in the mirror and wonder what the actual ef has become of you?! Do you even get toothpaste on the side of the sink? Does your lovely significant other EVER piss you off to the point of wanting to kick them in the balls?!!! Fine. Don’t let me crap all over your fantabulous life…Just PLEEEEASE let us know that you’re still human.
- YOUR WEDDING IS IN 65 DAYS. STOP PUBLICLY COUNTING DOWN! Ten days is plenty notice for those of us who may have forgotten for even a second that you’re planning on tying the knot. Please do not count down from 58 or 84 or something else bigger than 10. There are only so many times that I can click that little heart button and say “So happy for you guys!!” before I just want to say “You sure it’s still happening? I wasn’t quite sure as I’ve only heard about it FIFTY-EIGHT TIMES!” If you are planning a big event in general, the public does not want to hear about it every effing day until then. Whatever. It may be the happiest day of your life. For the rest of us, we’re all prolly going to just scroll through like 1/3 of the wedding photos and maybe smile because happyday you’re married. But you are NOT the newest Star Wars movie. People are not buying tickets in advance and thinking about this nonstop until opening day and speed through rush hour because they wouldn’t dare even miss one half second of this. Unless you are planning on releasing LIVE footage of your wedding night, STOP IT!! You can only build up so much momentum. Don’t make us all sick of you a month before it even happens…
- Wait. WHO are the candidates again? I seem to have forgotten. It’s not like I don’t see EVERY person posting about how much this election sucks or sharing yet ANOTHER video of questionable or terrible words or actions of the candidates. Who is surprised by any candidate screwing up? NOBODY. CAN WE STOP IT ALREADY?? Yes, it sucks. No, there is very little that we can do about. If you love your candidate, fabulous! Put it on your ballot when it comes up and shut your yap! People keep thinking that the things that they share on Facebook somehow say something about their actions as a person. In truth, you’ll probably just post 500 statuses and videos about HOW MAD you are, but not actually even show up to vote. Because….people suck. And most people just share stuff on Facebook to replace the dark void that is their life (See 1 & 2).
- The “I’m going to change my life today! Big changes coming! Loooook at me gooo!” Yeah yeah yeah yeah….You said that a month ago too before you started a new diet or said that you weren’t going to let your “haters” get you down or whatever. Who actually has “haters”? Are you really important enough to have those? Do people actually care enough about your life to spend their time hating it? I dunno, man. Who has time for that crap? Prolly people who have time for 1,2,3,4 & 5 on this list. Anyways, we get it. You’re going to change your life….again. Congratulations! You’ve won another trip to the land of bitter disappointment! Your habits will probably revert back to normal within 3 weeks, then we’ll all be treated to yet ANOTHER quasi-inspirational status about how eager you are to make such grand changes in your life. How about you quit friggin posting about it and JUST DO IT ?!! Shia LaBeouf says it perfectly. GO RUN 20 MILES! DUMP HIS WORTHLESS ASS! We all think that he’s a loser anyway…glad you’ve decided to join the party. CHANGE! Quit telling us about it every other month when you look in the mirror and realize “Wow. I suck. I don’t want to live this way.” Don’t give us all of that hype and momentum…then go have your “cheat day” five days in a row. Change and don’t talk about it. It should speak for itself! Show us when YOU ARE DONE! It’s like someone saying “I feel like going on a walk today. I should go outside more, and I’ve been sitting around too much! Oh, look at this picture of me putting on my shoes…Imma do it! Loooook at me filling up my water bottle! I’mgonnadothiswalkguys! Check out my putting on my cool new running shorts! I’m waaaalking out the dooooor!” By this point, everyone is either smashing the “Unfollow” button as hard as their finger will let them or their eyeballs are bulging from their sockets screaming “JUST GO ON THE FRIGGIN WALK ALREADY!!!!!!!!!”
- And finally………Showing off your new shoes does not require showing off your boobs!! You know that it’s a boob shot. Your shoes are down there. Your boobs are at least three feet up. You do not need to do a bird’s eye-view of your entire body and bra to get a shot of your new sneakers. We can all see down your shirt. Your cleavage is smiling at us. You know that it’s a boob shot. That’s why you’re doing it! If you’re going to do it, then OWN IT! Quit acting all shocked and surprised that your inbox is overflowing with dick pics and creepy guys messaging you asking if you wanna smash! YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE SHOWING YOUR TITS! EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS THAT YOU’RE SHOWING THEM! Showing off your new car, necklace, armchair, bicycle, sofa, flowerbed, dying grandmother does not require pointing the camera directly at the center of your chest!
So yes. I’ve had enough of this crap. Had it. Done with having my day being more stressful than it needs to be. Goodbye!!
***GROUPIES!!! If ya’ll wouldn’t mind sharing my stuff for me, that’d be fabulous!***