Child-spacing for real adults

Child-spacing for REAL adults! Follow each step precisely to achieve optimal personhood and parenthood.

  1. 1. Get married at 26 or some other later responsible age that’s allowed you to sleep around, travel, and work enough to feel like you’ve contributed something to society. Any marriage before this age will end in divorce.
  2. Wait AT LEAST 2 years before even thinking about conceiving your first child. You and your spouse need to take advantage of unbridled, regular sex for at least this amount of time or divorce is imminent!!!! Responsibly take birth control every day to prove that you can handle routine.
  3. Consider the idea of maybe having a baby soon.
  4. Consult with your accountant to ensure that you are financially stable and can afford the burden of a child for the next 18 years.
  5. Set up account for your future child’s college fund. Make deposits regularly.
  6. Examine 401k to ensure a hefty retirement lies in store.
  7. Pass the “Parenting Clearance Exam” administered by your therapist to be notarized at the courthouse in the presence of your in-laws.
  8. If you and your spouse have argued or had any sort of dispute within the last 3 months, your marriage is clearly unstable and unsuitable for raising a child. Visit marriage counseling until receiving the “Certificate of Marital Excellence” before proceeding to the next step.
  9. Calculate carbon footprint for new baby. If the impact on the environment will be too much, consider tubal ligation for the sake of the planet. Any further desire to bear children indicates immaturity and a severe deficiency in character.
  10. Collect all accumulated paperwork indicating preparation for parenthood. Proceed to unprotected sex.
  11. Conceive child after charting ovulation meticulously for months. Each time a cycle is proven to be unsuccessful, shrug with a casual laugh and go do your yoga.
  12. Birth child exactly 40 weeks from the date of your last period. If the child is not here, induce.
  13. Wait at least three years before thinking of conceiving again.
  14. Visit pediatrician to evaluate your current child’s mental, physical, and emotional well-being.
  15. Ask therapist to administer “Parenting Clearance Exam II”. Notarize test at the courthouse in the presence of your in-laws and at least one Facebook acquaintance who has meticulously evaluated your child through Facebook posts and pictures.
  16. Marriage counselor must present “Certificate of Marital Excellence” once again before proceeding.
  17. Any gaps in sex between 6 weeks after your child was born and the present are indicators that you clearly cannot handle any more changes in your marriage. Consider having a tubal ligation or your partner having a vasectomy to avoid imminent divorce.
  18. Consult with accountant to ensure that your retirement is still secure.
  19. Open account for Child #2’s college fund. Make deposits regularly.
  20. CONTINUE EXERCISE REGIMEN. If having your current child has kept you from your exercise regimen, then you are clearly not capable of handling another child. Consider tubal ligation or vasectomy.
  21. Calculate carbon footprint for entire family. If the impact on the environment will be too much, consider tubal ligation for the sake of the planet. Any further desire to bear further children indicates immaturity and a SEVERE deficiency in character
  22. Collect all accumulated paperwork and proceed to unprotected sex.
  23. Conceive child after charting ovulation meticulously for months. Each time a cycle is proven to be unsuccessful, shrug with a casual laugh and go do your yoga.
  24. Birth child exactly 40 weeks from the date of your last period. If the child is not here, induce.
  25. Wait at least three years before thinking of conceiving again.
  26. If you have two children of different genders, promptly schedule tubal ligation or vasectomy. If you have two children of the same gender, recalculate carbon footprint and consult with at least ten, single, childless men under the age of 35 to determine whether a third child should be considered.
  27. Promptly schedule tubal ligation and bask in your selfless character that has single-handedly solved pollution, overpopulation, poverty, and crime. Enjoy perfectly-balanced family and healthy retirement.
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Child-spacing for real adults

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