Please stay this way

We’re moving on Monday. I’m supposed to be doing homework while Damon drops the kids off at my parent’s.

But I can’t stop crying.

Damon and I have spent the last three days nearly working nonstop, going to bed later than usual. We arrived home from working on our new house to Ty screaming…after Damon accidentally made a loud noise, startling him in my sister’s arms.

I took Ty upstairs and found that he had an awful diaper rash, hence the screaming. After smearing Desitin all over his red rear, I snuggled with him in bed. I thought that he was falling asleep, but soon found him smashing his chubby open mouth over my nose and mouth, giggling as I tried pushing him off. I had Damon come and get him so that I could do homework.

My living room floor is a disaster; covered in smashed crackers, popcorn, and Barbies. My bathroom is a mess with Barbies and baby clothes scattered on the floor. Every room in my house is baby-fied.

But I’m sobbing now. Because my baby is almost 14 months old. My first baby will be three in August. What the hell? Where did the time go?

Most days, I’m grateful for what I have. But today, I’m sobbing because I never want this circus to end. I never want to wake up without my feathery-haired blonde baby next to me. I never want his fat giggle to fade. I never want him to get skinny and grow tall. I want him to stay this way forever. I want my baby forever.

Even though his diapers are terrible smelling. Even though he doesn’t ever listen and throws fits every day. Even though he stands up in his high chair, covered in half-eaten oranges and oatmeal. Even when he’s screaming and doesn’t want to go to sleep. Even though he feels like a sack of potatoes when I carry him around. Even though he plays in the nasty toilet.

I never want this to end, because I just want my baby. I want those slobbery kisses every morning and night. I want someone to cuddle me and smell milky. I want him to stay this way forever, marching around the house with his gut puffed out. I want those chubby feet and thighs. I want it all forever and ever.

They spend the first few years of their life making you fall in love with them hardcore, then they get big and leave. Mother Nature, you cruel beeotch you! This phase is so hard, especially when there’s two of them, and they need stuff 24/7. But I never want it to end. Because once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.

I know that I’ll meet a new little baby in December, but that doesn’t put a damper on this heartache that is watching your baby grow. Ty will never be this little again. I’ll blink, and he’ll be talking. I’ll blink, and he’ll be playing sports. I’ll blink, and he’ll have kids of his own.

Can I just hold my eyes open forever and never blink? Can I never sleep? Can I watch you sleep forever, Ty? I wake up at 3 AM and stare at you. I stare at you for longer than you’ll understand. I open the bathroom door in the morning to see you standing there, hair tousled and fuzzy. I pick you up; you’re heavy and warm. One day, I’ll set you down and never get to pick you up again.

Stay this way forever, Ty.

Love,

Mom

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Please stay this way

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