Web searches of “how to move to Canada” spiked to 350% after Super Tuesday. I’m sure it was just a coincidence that Donald Trump had won his seventh caucus when Americans fled to the Internet to figure out how to escape. No, really. Canada’s website for immigration was down for hours.
I’m not surprised that he’s winning. My attitude went from “Dude..if you’re gonna be on live TV, you’ve gotta do something about that hair.” to “Oh. Would you look at that? People actually LIKE him.”
Here are 3 reasons why I’m not surprised that Trump is dominating the crap out of this election so far:
1. People will not STFU about him
Ironic, yes, because here I am writing a blog post about him. Oh well.
We live in a time where we don’t ignore stupid politically incorrect crap. It’s like we are incapable of just letting that shiz brush off our sholders. People Google things that they know will offend them, then share it all over social media so that their friends can get offended with them. We post horrible videos of mistreatment with the caption “LOOK AT THIS DOG GETTING BEATEN BY ITS OWNER! I CANNOT BELIEVE SOMEONE WOULD DO THIS!” aka…”Look at me!!!! I’m a GOOD PERSON. I would NEVER do something like this!!” It goes viral. Everyone shares it in the name of “awareness”. Feeling satisfied that they have “spread the word” that you should not beat your pets. Because….people didn’t already know that.
When Trump starting spouting his “Blarblarbuildawall” nonsense, there was an audible *SHUNK* as the nation felt their panties twist into their rectal cavities.
We couldn’t just….IGNORE this clown, could we?! We HAD to spread awareness! We HAD to let all of our friends know that we weren’t on board with this Mexican-loathing, sleep with your mama, misogynistic golden gorilla!! We shared the everloving crap out of his speeches and memes to ensure that EVERYONE knew that WE WERE GOOD PEOPLE!
Oh, America…..did Miley Cyrus teach you nothing? The moment her butt began gyrating, you were in an uproar. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN!! DO NOT LET YOUR DAUGHTERS SEE THIS TWERKIDGE!!……so you blew Twitter to oblivion with videos of her tongue waggling butt grinding on the dude with the mic. You drowned that mother-sucker in gasoline and launched it into the bonfire of the interwebs. Surely, we had disgraced her enough, you said. Nobody will buy music from such a nasty, dirty girl.
Her music sales SHOT THE EF UP! 112%! SAY WHAT?! YouTube flooded with tweenagers shaking their butts?! How did that happen?? It’s not like we could IGNORE her behavior! We had to let everyone and their guinea pig’s grandma know that we did not approve of this!
Ya see where I’m headed with this? Instead of ignoring Trump and his blathery blook, you had to keep talking about him. You HAD to let everyone know what an evil sunburned dictator he was. Free publicity. You can’t buy the kind of publicity that a few well-placed racial slurs on national TV can. Well, except for Trump. The dude has a gold-plated private jet after all….bringing me to my next point.
2- Trump is not a politician
He did not build his career as a people-pleaser. While the other candidates were moderating their speeches and trying to tip-toe politely to your votes, Trump……*ahem*…..”CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLLLLL!!”
He didn’t play by the rules. He wasn’t even TRYING to appease anyone. At the end of the day, so what if people didn’t like him? He could lumber back to his three-story penthouse in New York City and carry on with life. He didn’t care if you liked him. And that made him SO dang glamorous.
What a baaaad boy you are, Donald. Think high school, people. While the other SBOs were pressing their shirts and having their girlfriends help them decorate their posters, Donald burst through the gym in a star-spangled speedo, waving a KKK flag, all while making crude remarks to the busty cheerleaders. Nobody else even noticed the other guys, their mouths agape. Only a third of the students could remember their names. The student body crowded around Trump’s Mustang in the parking lot, wanting to know “Who is this guy?!” “Who does he think he is, putting on a show like that?” The girls piled into his car while the rest chased after him, enraged and astonished.
This election will not cost Trump his career. His career is in real estate. His candidacy probably started when he arose from his custom silky gold sheeted bed and declared,
“I am Donald Trump. I have conquered this German broad! I have amassed this great empire! Hell, might as well run for president! WHADDATHINK, MELANIA!?”
“Donald….it’s 4 AM…”
“I’M DOIN’ IT!”
Just kidding. The dude may have more issues than The New York Times, but he’s not an idiot. He’s managed to convince the entire nation that he wasn’t a lifelong Democrat until this election.
3- Ya’ll are a bunch of quitters
Fleeing to Canada? Really? Half of us couldn’t squeeze past the border. Maybe our obesity would keep us toasty up there though. The election isn’t for another nine months, and everyone seems to be throwing in the towel. What’s the point? He’s winning anyway….
For the love. He will continue to dominate as long as he has his fierce backing of followers. Trump lovers are loyal AF. Nobody that I have met who supports Trump is a half-a**ed affiliate. They LOOOVE the guy! They act like he’s the best thing since NASCAR.
The Republican Party started with enough candidates to run a basketball team. The Democratic Party had three candidates, now two. Everyone knows who Hillary Clinton is. Everyone knows who Bernie Sanders is. They kept their numbers small and concentrated. Trump stood out amongst those 9 Republican candidates.
My Facebook Newsfeed has been overrun with this quitter mentality of “Idk. Not Trump tho” and “There’s nobody to vote for!!” The election will still happen, people!
Get behind someone else if you don’t want Trump. You are useless if you are moaning and weeping on the sidelines, waving the white flag. Seriously. Don’t just watch while this overbaked blondie tramples everyone. He is.
Is this the face that you want to see every day for the next four years? Appearing on currency? Representing us as a nation to the rest of the world?
…..no? You sure?