Inspirational Quotes Can Suck My Ovaries

Teachers looooove putting up inspirational stuff in their classrooms. One of my high school health teachers had no less than 34 of these effing posters on her walls. “You miss 100% of the shots that you don’t take” in cursivey font on a stock photo sunset background. Other people have beige living room walls and get a black Helvetica fonted sticker that says ‘”Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

Oh, and you are 95% guaranteed to have this on your wall if you dye your hair blonde and your family photos were taken on a beach with everyone wearing a blue button down shirt and khakis. You probably have words like “Peace”, “Love”, or “Laugh” up on the wall too. And a fireplace.

Not that I’m calling your decorating subpar. At least you decorate. I’ll be on my laptop looking at pictures of my kid like “Awwwww! She’s so cute! I should totally frame this!” Then I realize that I would have to go get it printed for 15 cents, get a frame, and I just don’t wanna go to Target.

It’s not just your living room. My Facebook Feed delivers approximately 10 inspirational quotes an hour. What do I do when I read them? What everyone does, of course!  Lean back from the laptop. Clear my bleary eyes of amazement and think “Wow. There really is no better time than the present. I’ll book those tickets to Singapore right NOW!” I buy the tickets, overdraw my bank account by three thousand dollars, and spend the next two hours on the phone with my credit union shouting stuff like “Tomorrow is a new day! Ef the system! Carpe diem! Leave the past behind you!”

No. Literally nobody does that.

Maybe I’m just cynical.

Inspirational quotes are so commonplace that I have become nearly desensitized to their snares of joy. As have you, most likely. “Why so much hatred, Marian? They uplift people!” They do absolutely nothing but blow sunshine where the sun SHOULD NOT shine. They give the guilty party an undeserved sense of accomplishment. No. The world is not any better because of the stock photo sunset “Believe In Yourself” that you found on Pinterest. You still haven’t asked her out. Your laundry is still in the dryer. You still haven’t gone to the gym. You haven’t saved for three months. You still haven’t gotten off the couch!

The most inspirational people on my Feed are the ones posting pictures of themselves..get this…DOING STUFF! They moved to Australia. Got accepted into nursing school. Had twins. Adopted shitzus. Finished that marathon. Did shots with hot chicks in Miami. Something!

Yeah yeah. I know. Facebook supposedly triggers depression because it highlights people in their best moments and causes you to feel inferior about your life…uh huh. It doesn’t change that THEY ARE STILL DOING STUFF!! If your finest moments are you posting inspirational quotes while chilling your pajamas or sitting on the toilet at work, then maybe you should give up this hobby. Clearly, it ain’t workin for ya. (Although, I wouldn’t consider myself qualified to give advice on this. I just barely put on pants and polished off 6 mini Snickers in the last 5 minutes. SIEZE THE DAY!)

I’ve created a few inspirational quotes of my own below.

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AddTextToPhoto(4-1-2016-10-1-3)Motivational Quote

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Inspirational Quotes Can Suck My Ovaries

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